Teens Exposed - Eating Disorders
Ana & Mia - Exposing the Faces of a Teenage Girl's Eating Disorder
Fifteen Year Old Blogger Reveals Epidemic
Fifteen Year Old Blogger Reveals Epidemic
Editors Note: Last week I joined a few blogs looking to recruit teenage writers. Besides finding writers, I discovered on each blog teen girl after teen girl writing about their eating disorder. They would offer each other encouragement in their goal to lose what they felt would be a sufficient amount of weight. Some would even congratulate each other for saying they “didn’t eat lunch” or “starved themselves for the day.” I felt it was important to present this epidemic, which primarily affects teenage girls. I could have written an article on this and what I saw, but felt to truly understand what a teenage girl with an eating disorder is going through would be to ask them to share their story with us. Some felt hesitant, as they were afraid to expose their world to us. However, there was one 15 year old girl who wished to be anonymous, that wanted to share her ordeal in the hopes it may help others and raise awareness of this serious issue.
Below is her story:
There's so much to say about me and this subject, it's kind of hard to think of where to start. I guess a decent place would be how I started to have an eating disorder. I think about that a lot, but I'm not really 100% sure.
Everyone always told me I was really skinny, but the few times someone would say I had a little chub, stuck in my mind more than the skinny compliments. I remember somewhere around 4th grade I wouldn't eat breakfast and would have a salad everyday for lunch. I didn't really know what I was doing I guess, but I know I lost about 10 pounds by the time that ended. I can't remember how fast I lost it though. The next time my eating was reduced was a little more than a year ago. I ate as little as possible and would always pick the foods with the fewest calories. Sometimes, I would honestly forget to eat for a day. In about a week or two I lost 5 pounds. I had to stop because of soccer season though. Then this last summer is where I would say the problem further manifested itself.
I always had a problem with my stomach fat, but around June I started being displeased with my legs and arms too. Comparing me to my skinnier friends probably didn't help either. So for whatever reason I decided to eat considerably less. I would lose 5 pounds, but then give up and gain it back right away, then get pissed and lose it again, then gain it back. It was about this time when I found Pro Ana websites. At first I thought they were sick. I hated them and the girls that made these "Pro Ana tips and tricks". However, I eventually got sucked into it and started to blog on Thoughts.com. I went back and forth a lot with Ana and Mia (nicknames for Anorexia and Bulimia). I'd restrict and fast for a week, then turn into a pig again for a week. During July I went away to my family’s cabin with two other friends. They did not make my ordeal any easier as they called me a “heffer”, “fat cow” and “nasty pig” at least once every half hour for the entire week while we were there. These words extremely upset me and making matters worse, I couldn't even put a single thing in my mouth without them insulting me about it. The effects of their verbal abuse caused me to restrict whenever I could. When someone wasn't in the room I would throw away whatever food was on my plate. My friend's sister got mad at them after one comment and said, "you guys are going to give her an eating disorder, stop it." While she said this all I could think was ‘if they only knew.’
Things got worse and worse and the more I went on thoughts.com, restricted, fasted and purged, the more my mind got screwed up. I told myself and my friends on thoughts that I was going to stop once soccer season started. I stopped at first, but now here we are. It's a little less than halfway through the season, and I'm running off of less than 500 calories a day. If it's more then that I purge and burn off whatever calories with cardio. I lost about 10 pounds in a week, and I'm going at about the same rate still, except for when I screw up. I'm screwing up a lot less now though. My control with food is getting a lot better.
People that do not have an eating disorder would ask why I hurt myself? My answer is - I do it because if I don't I hate myself, and because no one should be able to tell me what I can and can't do with my body when they're on drugs and sleeping with everyone in their class. Furthermore, I feel I'm worthless and accomplish nothing, so Ana helps me feel like I'm worth SOMETHING. When I can sit in bed and know I ate almost nothing and burned of so much I feel pure and on my way to being pretty. I don't want to look at myself and wish that I was smaller and beautiful; I want to look at myself and think I AM small and beautiful. Additionally, I'm sick of hating mirrors, my weight, my tree trunk thighs... so I'm working on changing that. I tell girls on thoughts I've lost almost 20 pounds since the beginning, and they think that's amazing. I want so much more then that though (I started at 135, and my goal weight is around 105. I'm 5' 9"). I don't really see a difference. I know there must be one because the scale and my pants size say so, but if all I had was a mirror then I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
On my weaker days I can't look at myself at all because I'll just cry and cry and cry. I want to crawl out of my skin, run and purge until I'm almost dead, and then hide so no one can ever find me. On my happier days I can eat 500 calories or more, and pretend that I don't have a problem, and hang out with my friends like I haven't been isolating myself for the past 3 months. I don't spend as much time as I used to with them, because so much of their time is spent fattening themselves up.
My mind goes nuts trying to find ways to get rid of food when it's time for a meal, so I try to only spend time with people when it's after dinner. They know I have some type of problem, but they don't know what it is. I would never tell anyone unless I wanted to recover, which I am terrified of. Therefore, when I need someone to talk to I blog and chat with the friends I made on thoughts.com. Every single girl on there is an amazingly beautiful person inside and out, even if they don't think they are. I have never had so much support and understanding in my entire life. They don't judge, criticize, or make each other feel guilty. Without them, I don't know what I'd do. I always have someone to talk to, and someone pushing me to my goals because of this site. I realize that we should be pushing ourselves towards healthier goals, but we're just trying to be happy. We've tried the healthy and acceptable way, but unfortunately it didn’t work for us.
Eating very little food has its side effects, such as making me feel tired and weak However, I can't get myself to put more food in my body. I'm happier having dizzy spells, and barely making it through soccer practice, than I am eating like a normal person. One side of my head says that if I ate as much as everyone else that I would no doubt get fat and be ugly forever. The other side says that's a lie and that I need to take care of myself. Presently, the first side is getting a lot stronger and is starting to get blended in with the second side. I used to have the two sides, kind of like an angel and devil on my shoulders that told me what I should do. It was obvious what was right and what was wrong, but now it's hard for me to distinguish the good voice from the bad voice. If I could go back in time and talk myself out of it, I would in a heartbeat.
The crying, guilt, and obsession are so overwhelming that it takes so much out of me, yet I can't stop. At least I can't by myself, but I never get myself to ask for help. Someday I know I'll have no choice. I'll faint in the hallway, cry for two hours straight in school without being able to stop, or be as skinny as a twig, so someone will step in and force recovery on me. After recovery I'll be a happier person, but the first steps are so frightening that I won't be the one to ask for help.
Being skinny is very important to me, so I can't give it up. Yes, I'm an unstable mess, but tomorrow I'll be a skinnier unstable mess.
For those suffering from an eating disorder and wishing to get help TNN recommends the following organizations:
